"I’m Not Like Other Girls"—But at What Cost?

In today's social media culture, a certain type of woman is getting all the smoke—the "Pick Me." You’ve probably seen the term thrown around on Twitter (or X, as it's now called), TikTok, or even in the group chats. It’s used to describe women who seem overly eager to seek male validation, often at the expense of other women. But let’s be real, some ladies are earning this label, and they are eating it up!

Take, for example, the woman who recently went viral for saying that women with kids have no value. She even went as far as comparing them to used cars, saying that their "value" had decreased. This wasn’t just an offhand remark; a calculated attempt to elevate herself by tearing other women down, appealing to a mindset that sees women as commodities. Social media streets were on fire over this, with many pointing out how these so-called "Pick Mes" will say anything for male approval, even if it means degrading their fellow sisters. According to Psychology Today, Dr. Devon Price describes this as internalized misogyny—where women unknowingly adopt and enforce harmful gender stereotypes because they’ve been socialized to believe that male approval is the ultimate prize.

Siding with men against women won’t make you special, it just makes you part of the problem.

She has also sparked outrage with many other inflammatory statements. She recently claimed that there is no woman who cannot conceive, asserting that those who say they can't are lying and "know what they did" to prevent themselves from being able to have children. This harmful rhetoric not only invalidates the lived experiences of women struggling with infertility but also plays into the narrative that a woman's worth is tied solely to her ability to bear children—an idea deeply rooted in patriarchal standards.

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Additionally, she has publicly criticized the concept of girlfriend allowance, arguing that women who accept financial support from their partners are essentially "prostituting themselves." This stance dismisses the agency of women who negotiate their relationships on their own terms and echoes the "Pick Me" mentality by positioning herself as morally superior to women who expect financial reciprocity. By aligning with views that degrade and police other women, she is perpetuating  the very systems that pit women against each other for male approval.

Where Does This "Pick Me" Mentality Come From?

Before we go too deep, let’s acknowledge that this behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere. Many  women grow up hearing things like "O tla siwa ke monna" (your man will leave you  if you don’t act right) or "men don’t like loud women." We’re taught to compete for male attention, to be the "respectable" choice, and to distinguish ourselves from those "other" women who are "too independent," "too opinionated," or "too modern."

Beyond just societal pressure, where and how we are raised plays a huge role in shaping these mindsets. In South Africa, for example, the "Pick Me" mentality seems to be more common in traditionally conservative environments—like parts of KZN, where rigid gender expectations are often reinforced in homes, churches, and cultural practices. Many women are raised in Christian households where submission and modesty are emphasized as key virtues, often interpreted in ways that encourage women to seek male approval as a form of validation.

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For example, in some church settings, women are taught to "pray for a husband" while also being warned that independence can make them undesirable. This can subtly push women to compete for male validation while distancing themselves from more outspoken or progressive peers. These early lessons don’t stay in the home, they show up everywhere. From sports bars to social media, women who break these molds often face backlash disguised as "Pick Me" accusations.

Society has rewarded women who conform to traditional gender roles; whether it's being the quiet, submissive wife or the girl who “doesn’t stress men” and let them do whatever they want. In the workplace, in families, and even in friend groups, we see how women who challenge this expectation get labeled as "difficult" or "bitter". So, it makes sense that some women perform the opposite role—the "perfect girl" who goes out of her way to seem easygoing, to appeal to men, and to distance herself from anything seen as a "feminist".

You don’t have to put other women down to be seen—your worth isn’t measured by male validation.

But here’s where things get tricky: there’s often a fine line between what’s perceived as "Pick Me" behavior and a woman genuinely enjoying things that might be considered traditionally "manly." Sports play a significant role in cultures around the globe, but how many times have you seen a woman get side-eyed just for loving football or Formula 1? When a woman passionately discusses football—whether it’s Kaizer Chiefs vs. Orlando Pirates or how Max Verstappen is dominating F1, she's often accused of pretending just to impress men. It happens frequently in everyday conversations. A woman in a Manchester United or a Sundowns jersey at a sports bar? "She’s just here for the vibes and the men." A girl debating Champions League stats? "She’s performing for male validation." This issue isn’t just about sports. A woman who prefers beer over cocktails? "She’s trying too much." A woman who says she enjoys hip-hop more than RnB? "She’s just looking for attention." The "Pick Me" label has become so overused that it sometimes ends up policing women rather than challenging real internalized misogyny.

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The reality is, many outspoken women who aren’t swayed by patriarchal norms are often misunderstood and wrongly labeled as "Pick Me" when they’re simply being themselves. Similarly, there are women who genuinely want to be housewives, and that's perfectly fine too. It doesn’t mean they’re trying to appear worthy or good enough to men; it's just what they want for themselves. Both choices whether it's enjoying traditionally "manly" activities or opting for a more traditional domestic role should be respected without judgment.

We live in a country where gender-based violence is a serious issue, where women are constantly fighting for respect in public spaces, workplaces, and relationships. Instead of tearing each other down, women should ask why male validation still holds so much weight. Dr. Price explains that some women adopt 'Pick Me' behavior as a survival tactic in male-dominated spaces, subconsciously believing that aligning with men protects them from criticism or exclusion .With gender-based power imbalances deeply rooted in our country,it’s no surprise that some women unconsciously adopt this strategy as a survival tactic.

If he only likes you because you’re ‘not like other girls,’ he doesn’t actually like you—he just dislikes women.

The reality is that both things can be true: some women genuinely engage in "Pick Me" behavior, actively putting others down for male approval. And yes, some women are unfairly labeled "Pick Me" just for having interests that don’t fit traditional gender roles. The solution isn’t to silence women with unnecessary labels but to challenge the culture that makes women feel like they have to compete for male validation in the first place.

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Instead of being quick to shame, maybe we should ask why women feel the need to distance themselves from other women to be accepted. Why is it still considered a flex to say "I only have guy friends"? Why do some women still feel the need to prove that they are "better" than others by adhering to male-centric standards?

It’s time for a shift. Women should be able to enjoy what they like; whether it's soccer, science fiction, or sneakers without being accused of performing for male attention. And at the same time, we need to continue calling out the real "Pick Mes" who build their identities around tearing other women down.

Sis, do you. Whether that’s enjoying your Heineken during a PSL match, rocking your Jordans instead of heels or loving your home-cooked Sunday lunches, embracing your makoti responsibilities, and finding joy in tradition—your interests are valid. No male approval required.